Evangelical Christian Starter Kit
If you are a newly converted Christian, there are many things you need to know in order to stay on track with your salvation. Here are ten suggestions for the newly converted:
1. Whenever your poorly-conceived representations of "what science is" and "what atheists believe" is referred to as a "straw man argument," or "circular reasoning", or you mis-quote a scientist, and someone calls it "quote mining", just accuse your opponents of repeating a mantra, like they are a robot. Play dumb and try to make them think you don't actually know what those terms mean.
2. When an unbeliever says that science or evolution calls a literal interpretation of Genesis into question, dismiss such common sense by saying that the Bible has been around for 2000 years, and that millions of people believe it, because it's God's truth, and that's good enough reason to keep the faith.
3. When you tell an unbeliever that they have everything to gain and nothing to lose (Pascal's Wager) by obeying the Gospels, and they reject it, claiming that Buddhists and Muslims can say the same thing about their faiths, just mindlessly quote passages from the Bible, especially passages that emphasize that unbelievers are fools.
4. If an unbeliever tells you that "there is no evidence that Jesus existed", mindlessly quote from the Bible, and tell them that if Jesus didn't exist, how come all the Gospel writers talk about his life in detail? Also bring up how people have believed that Jesus was real for 2000 years, and how that must mean he is.
5. Do not read and interpret the Bible for yourself. That is a big mistake. Always obey what your Pastor tells you is the correct interpretation.
6. When unbelievers use big words, like "Megalo-maniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully" to describe God, or they make a big deal about education and your lack thereof, attack them for being prideful of their education (Pride is a sin), or ramble on mindlessly about how colleges are "just mills for pumping out gay communist liberal atheists".
7. Say that you were once a genuine atheist, and that you found it to be false. (The cool thing about being an Christian is that you can lie through your teeth, because you believe that there is nothing wrong with lying to God's enemies). Additionally, if an atheist claims that he was once a Christian, and found that it was false, point out that this is impossible, simply due to the very definition of Christianity as "one who knows the Lord". PLEASE NOTE: It cannot be overly emphasized how learning and using these little phrases can help you feel secure in dismissing common sense.
8. Believe that nothing is 100% certain, except the truth of the Bible. Do not question it. Believe with all of your heart that there is credible scientific evidence for Biblical inerrancy. When you make any argument, pat yourself on the back by concluding with "I know I'm going to Heaven, what about you?" That will make you feel good about yourself.
9. If unbelievers respond to the threat of eternal punishment by saying that they don't believe in the existence of Hell, Tell them that if they don't believe in something, it doesn't make it NOT exist. Don't follow their logic about there needing to be reasonable proof that Hell exists as a prerequisite (Another big word!) for believing in it, or that other line about the tooth fairy and leprochauns. Just repeat that only fools deny that God and Hell exist.
10. Blame Atheism and Evolution for the atrocities of the Nazis, even though Martin Luther's influence on historical antisemitism was far greater, and the Nazis emphasized their conservative Christian heritage. You may want to emphasize that people believe in evolution because it lets them be adulterers without guilt.
11. Finally, keep in fellowship with other like-minded Christians who believe as you believe, and encourage each other in your beliefs. Build up your faith. Never doubt for a moment. Remember, the key to Christianity is to be unreasonable and willfully ignorant. Fall back on that when you feel threatened. Think shallow, and keep telling yourself that you are going to Heaven. Remember, an Christian is someone who pretends that they know what's best for everyone else.